


A Fyne Day at Faire

by ssa_archivist



Category: Smallville
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-11-20
Updated: 2002-11-20
Packaged: 2017-11-01 10:44:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/355761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssa_archivist/pseuds/ssa_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Take Clark.  Add Lex.  Add a Rennisance Faire.  Add fluff.  Bake for 35 minutes.  Enjoy.  Part of the CLFF.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Fyne Day at Faire

## A Fyne Day at Faire

by La Chatte Noire

[]()

* * *

A Fyne Day At Faire  
By: La Chatte Noire  
Rating: NC17  
Parings: Clark/Lex explicit, Jonathon/Lionel implied Category: Established relationship, fluffy Discliamers: WB and DC own Smallville. This Faire is based off of the Southern California Rennisance Faire with a bit of the small Faire atmosphere. Songs belong to the Poxy Boggards and the Belles of Bedlam. Lady Southampton, Lady Grey, and Fortune Hunter are all Faire names I borrowed from others. Quote is from Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream." Whew. I hope that's everything. Answers Challenge: Clark shows up at Lex's house wearing a tunic and hose, gives Lex a poet shirt, and they go to the Renaissance Festival in costume. Lex fences to defend Clark's honor from someone eating a turkey leg. (MidKnight) Thanks to: Well, thanks to Shauna for getting me into Faire in the first place, the real Mistress Fortune Hunter for the encouragement, and the Star Wars DVD for helping me write the fencing scene. Here goes... 

* * *

"Son, you look ridiculous." The exasperated words of Jonathon Kent sounded off in the early morning air. 

"Thanks, Dad," answered Clark Kent, taking the comment as an odd complement. "I'm glad to know I got the costume right." 

Jonathon stopped his work for a moment and took the time to stare incredulously at his son for the third time that day. Clark was dressed in a flowing off-white shirt with undone lacing down the top half of the front, loose pants ending at his knees, and stockings from there down. The boots he wore were an old scuffed pair of his father's. He had several pouches on his belt, a book of Shakespeare's comedies in his left hand, and a second shirt, much like his own, in his right hand. 

"And you're taking Lex to this...place?" Jonathon asked. 

"Um..." Clark blushed slightly and looked down, shuffling his feet. "I warned him we were going to go do something today, but I never told him what." 

Jonathon managed to, with difficulty, hide several evil grins at what Lex's face would be when he found out. 

"Dad?" Clark asked, suddenly unsure. 

Jonathon sighed and nodded his approval. "Just don't get drunk, laid, lost, or stoned." 

Clark had a look of confusion with his grin. "Wait, what?" 

Jonathon gave a knowing smile. "I've been before, son. It's not called a Pleasure Faire for nothing." 

* * *

Lex Luthor sat in his office, randomly ticking away at his computer. He was also nursing a large mug of coffee. After all, 6am was not a time when Lex was usually awake. 

The sound of old boots in the hallway outside caused him to look up sleepily. The sight in the doorway jolted him fully awake. Clark stood there, and he was wearing tights. Ok, they were stockings, but for all intent and purposes, they were tights. His loose pants were tucked into the hem of these stockings. His slightly rufflely shirt was tucked into those pants as well, but the lacing was undone. A good expanse of golden, hairless chest was easily visible through the neckline. A pair of dark nipples were almost visible through the cream colored muslin. 

"A Renaissance Faire, Clark?" Lex asked deadpanned. 

"How did you guess?" Clark answered, just as deadpanned. He tossed the poet shirt at his friend. "Get dressed, Lex. Faire starts at 10." 

Wait a minute. "Isn't Faire two hours away?" Lex asked suspiciously. 

"Yeah, why? Is that a problem?" 

"Then why on Earth did I need to be up this early?" 

There was a pause. "Umm, could I get back to you on that?" 

Lex glared through sleepy eyes. 

"Lex, please? For me?" Clark pouted slightly, using those lips of his as an advantage. 

The lips were too much. Lex sidled closer to Clark and clamped his teeth onto that pouty bottom lip. Clark groaned softly and wrapped his arms around Lex, opening his mouth for Lex to explore. Lex thrust his tongue into the willing mouth with a slow, erratic rhythm. Mouths moved against each other as hands explored hard, clothed bodies. Moans and whines made a perfect symphony with the gasps and slurps of the kiss itself. 

The scene was broken when Lex was forced up for air. "I forgive you," he panted. "Ingenious planning. This gives us just enough time to do something first." 

"Just a quick one," Clark murmured softly as he was dragged toward the bedroom. "And we need to be careful of the costumes." 

"'We the globe can compass soon, /swifter than the wand'ring moon.'" Lex quoted. "And we'll be careful. A rip or two would work well with your costuming anyway." 

"Mmm, I'd rather not rip it, either way." 

"I'll try, Clark." 

Minutes later, a soft ripping sound and the exclamation of "Fuck" could be heard from inside Lex's bedroom. "Don't worry, no one will care, you'll fit right in," said Lex laughingly. 

"You did that on purpose," gasped an exasperated Clark. 

"Ah, but now at Faire, I'll be able to do this" Clark moaned as Lex touched him "whenever I want." 

"You're ev-uuhhh," Clark lost his ability to speak. 

No real words were heard from the room for over an hour. 

* * *

About an hour and a half before Faire started, the boys stood in the entryway of the castle, looking each other over. Lex wore the poet shirt. He also wore a leather vest, leather breeches, and stockings of his own. He had on his belt, along with several pouches, keys, and an antique pocket watch, a rapier. His explanation had been that no nobleman ever went anywhere unarmed. 

Clark still wore his costume from earlier, but it had a very intriguing rip along his pants. It went from mid thigh up. It went far enough to show that aside from the tucked in shirt, he wore nothing else under those pants. It didn't show anything, but it left little to the imagination. 

Clark glared at Lex for the third time in as many minutes. 

"What?" asked Lex innocently. "Is it my costume? These Faires are the only family tradition I enjoy. For forty years there's always been a Lord Luthor at court on at least one day of Faire." 

"I can't believe you did this to me," Clark said. 

Lex grinned. "Come on then, let's get you something for that. I'm sure someone around here can stitch that up." 

Clark sighed and followed Lex to wherever he was leading this time. After all, he couldn't walk around Faire falling out of his costume, now could he? 

* * *

"Good morrow, good gentles, and welcome to our shire on this fine spring day," called a costumed Faire worker. Several of them were stationed at the entrance, hailing greetings and poking fun at those in civilian clothing. 

One such person locked eyes with Clark and the hastily mended rip in his costume. Her eyes lit up. "Hail, kind sir, I see thou was attacked by quite a beast. Dost thou need help to recover?" She dropped her voice to a seductive purr. 

"Nay, he needs no such aid, madam," Lex said as he strode up. His voice dropped as well. "And 'twas quite the beast that took him, as I was the beast." He grinned triumphantly. 

Clark blushed. The woman grinned happily. "Then I do hope to be mauled by such a beast this day," she said. Clark and Lex walked off as she resumed her welcoming. 

"Lex, is everyone supposed to be this obvious?" Clark asked softly. 

Lex turned to face him. "Don't tell me you didn't know what you were getting into," he said, amused. 

The undercurrent of panic in Clark's eyes spoke volumes. 

They stopped walking. Lex put his hands on Clark's shoulders and looked into his eyes. "Clark, we don't have to be here if you don't want to do this. I thought you knew what was coming. You don't really have much to worry about, Clark. There's a lot of talk but a lot less gets done here than you'll think. Besides, you're here with me. We're going to go directly to the Noble's Guild and start from there so everyone can see that you're mine. They won't even dream of touching you after that. I promise." 

Clark nodded. "Ok, Lex. Let's go in." He hugged his lover. "You know I love you, right?" he asked. 

"I love you too, Clark. Are you sure you want this?" 

"Lead on, my Lord," Clark said with a smile. 

Lex grinned and walked in, trusting Clark to follow. 

* * *

"Good morrow, Lord Luthor, I see thou hath brought a conquest!" came the shout from the glade where the Noble's Guild had set up. 

Lex grinned. "Aye, fair Lady Grey. I bring the son of Robin Longfellow." 

The Lady Grey laughed. "I pray the son upholds the name of the father." 

"Yea, he does," Lex said with a suggestive look toward Clark. Clark blushed. 

"Art thou sure he hath been defiled?" asked another woman, the Lady Southampton, dressed, like the Lady Grey, in a noble's costume of velvet, lace, and leather. 

"Aye, he hath been defiled, and quite often," Lex said proudly. Clark blushed deeper still. If he had learned the language correctly, Lex had just proudly announced that they had sex as often as possible. 

"The son looks little like the father," said yet another new face, this one a man, the Spanish Ambassador, decked out in red velvet and a feathered hat. 

"I was a foundling," Clark interjected. 

"He speaks!" the Lady Grey said happily. 

"More a changeling if thy beauty hath any say," said the Lady Southampton, earning another blush from Clark. 

"And he hath the power of a spirit," Lex said. "When I lost control of my carriage year last, he pulled me from my wat'ry grave." 

"Speaking of which, how did the car fair?" asked the Lady Southampton, slipping out of character. 

"Totaled. I'm serious when I say he has the powers of a spirit, by all logic I should be dead." 

"You're very lucky. Not just to survive the crash, but also to have found a catch like this one." Lady Southampton grinned as she gestured toward Clark. "Speaking of which, I know his name is Kent, but what's his Faire name?" 

"I, um, don't have one yet," Clark said bashfully. 

"Well then, do you want one that reflects who you are, like Lady Grey, or one from history, like Lex's, or one with a double meaning, like your father's? Keep in mind you'll always be known as the changeling son of Robin Longfellow." 

"Well then a name that reflects an otherworldly nature would fit best," said Lex thoughtfully. "Dianus," Lex said suddenly. At the looks he got, he clarified. "Dianus was the consort of Diana, Goddess of the moon. He was a god of the forests and the wild animals, usually portrayed as a man with the horns of a stag. As a changeling, you could be known only as Dianus." 

"Interesting," mused the Lady Southampton. "Tell me, was Dianus beautiful?" 

"He was mesmerizing in his feral beauty, yet he represented the purity of the wilds." 

The Lady turned toward Clark. "Dianus, I pray thou will live up to thy name." She turned toward the rest of the Guild, which was mulling about, drinking, and dancing. She clapped her hands loudly and waited for the attention of the majority of the nobles. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I present the Lord Luthor and his conquest, Dianus, changeling son of Robin Longfellow!" 

Lex and Clark were ushered out into the clearing where groups of nobles had been dancing moments before. Numerous ladies and a few lords swarmed around them, stealing glances at Clark and congratulating Lex on his catch. One man even asked if Clark was for sale. Lex turned him down. 

A trio of younger women sneaked up behind Clark and dragged him out of the swarm. They pulled him into one of the tents at the back of the glade. "Who are you?" Clark asked when he found his wits. 

"We, my dear Dianus are Clio, Miranda, and Umbriel. We're here to save you from your conqueror." The three inched uncomfortably close. Clio ran her fingers over the opening in Clark's shirt as Miranda stroked his hair and Umbriel found the stitched rip in Clark's pants. 

"Ladies, I must return to my Lord," Clark said nervously. He yelped as Umbriel tried to worm her fingers into the hole. "Ladies, I do regret this," Clark said. He caught Umbriel's hands and quickly wormed out of the grasp of all three. Before they could react, Clark had super-speeded out of the tent. To the three, it looked as though he had disappeared into thin air. They gaped. 

Out in the glade, the nobles had returned to their activities. Couples were dancing again to the live music of recorders and lutes. Men and women were seated on benches and logs, drinking and chatting. Clark found Lex quickly and appeared at his side, shocking the older man into sloshing his ale. "Jesus, Clark, how do you do that?" he whispered. 

"I am a changeling," Clark answered nonchalantly. "Either way, what are we going to do this day?" 

Lex set his chalice on the bench beside him. "Well, it's nearing lunchtime, so unless you want the beef stew they serve to the guild members, you and I might want to browse the stalls a bit." 

"I concur, my Lord. Forage it is," Clark said. 

The two of them said their good-byes and promised to return later that day. As soon as they reached the back lane, Clark stopped just one second to stare. The entire back lane of the grounds seemed to be devoted to food. There were booths selling shepherds pies and baked potatoes, Queen's Juice and hard mead, chicken and quail, bangers and sandwiches, turkey legs and beef ribs. There was even the Boar's Head Inn where the menu featured a feast of Cornish hen and pork ribs. 

"Well Clark, where do you want to eat?" Lex asked. He chuckled at Clark's amazed look. "I recommend the quail, that way you'll have room for a cheesecake-on-a-stick." 

As they made their way toward the quail, a voice stopped them. "Oy, your lordship! I see thy hunting skill hath waned! Thy catch is too young and nave to resist thy fading charms! He shalt be mine ere the sun sets!" 

Both men turned toward the source of the voice to see a short woman in a berry-stain blue costume, slicing meat off a turkey leg with a black dagger. She had a pentacle around her neck and a sword on her waist. 

"Ah, Mistress Hunter, I would say 'tis a pleasure to see you, but t'would a lie," Lex said to her. 

Clark sidled closer to Lex. "You are?" she asked of him. 

"Dianus, madam," Clark said politely. 

"Fortune Hunter," she said, pointing her dagger at her chest. 

"The lady was on her fifth husband ere she chose to bring offense to my household. She brings amusement to my father, thus she lives." 

"And for that I thank thy father," she said grandly. 

"She is also known for trying to steal the conquests of my family." 

"Trying? Boy, for that I challenge thee for thy catch. Draw thy sword," she said as she handed her turkey leg to an onlooker, sheathed her black dagger in her bosom, and drew her rapier. Lex drew his. 

The clang of swords brought a crowd of lookers gathering around the pair. Lex fought with the strength and speed that belonged to his family. His smooth movements reminded Clark of a snake, a great snake striking at a particularly vicious foe. Fortune fought with quick, calculated dodges and attacks that were almost feline in their grace and power. 

With each thrust and parry, the crowd grew quieter in their awe. They could hear the conversational insults between the two fighters. 

"Thou cat, thou shrew, thy attempts to steal my conquest are folly," Lex panted. 

"Thou child, thou miscreant, thou shalt bring thy family ruin," Fortune spat. 

"Thou pedophile, thou would take a boy of 16 from his rightful master." 

"The only boy I took from thy family was the Robin Longfellow, and he refused my charms! He loved thy father more than thou can." Fortune gave a harsh thrust to make her point. 

"Now the Robin Longfellow hates my father more than I can. Dianus is Robin's changeling son." Lex made his point with a strong parry that threw Fortune off balance. She staggered back three paces as Lex advanced, ready to claim victory. She drew her black dagger out of her bodice and brandished both weapons at Lex. He moved in. She thrust the dagger at him. He grabbed her wrist and squeezed, forcing her to loose grip on the dagger as he put his rapier to her throat. 

Lex looked at her expectantly. She growled at him and brought her own sword to his crotch. They each assessed the situation and grinned. "Well, Mistress Hunter, it appears we are at an impasse. I can take thy life and thou can take my manhood. Whatever shall we do?" 

"Let us ask the changeling boy, he is the cause for our quarrel. Dianus?" Clark came closer as he stared at the pair. "What should we do now?" 

"Well, Mistress Hunter, I do believe thou would miss thy life. However, I believe both my Lord and I would miss his manhood. Thou art correct, my Lord. Thou art at an impasse. Dost thou wish me to choose what shall be lost?" 

The two fighters looked at each other and grinned again. They separated. "Nay, this is a draw. Dianus, thou may choose thy champion." 

"No contest," Clark said as he pressed himself against Lex's chest and kissed him deeply. The crowd dispersed. 

Fortune sighed as she wiped her dagger clean and sheathed her sword. "I suggest you two lovebirds take this somewhere a little more private, Lex. The puritans are gonna have a field day with this." 

The pair broke their kiss to stare at her. "There are puritans here? I never would have guessed," Clark said. 

"Don't worry, Clark, they don't usually bother the nobility." 

Fortune gave them a look. "Clark Kent? You really are the son of Robin Longfellow. Give your father my regards, and don't forget to mention our little spat," she said evilly as she grinned and stalked off. 

Clark looked at Lex with an innocent look. "Yes, my Lord, thou were victorious in thy conquest. Would thou wish to claim me? To make me thine?" 

Lex growled as he pulled Clark toward the back of the Towne Centre stage. They moved to a spot under and behind the stage, private and nearly soundproof, especially when a group was performing like the Bold and Stupid Men were right then. Clark sat on the straw that littered ground and pulled Lex on top of him. 

"Dianus, I never figured thee for the possessive type," Lex said. 

"My Lord, my fairy customs are different from thine. Thou hath won me rightfully and I now belong to you, yet thou also belongs to me." 

"Well then, Dianus, claim me in the manner of thy fairy folk." They kissed. 

As Lex brushed his tongue over Clark's lips, Clark pulled frantically at Lex's belt, undoing the thick leather. Lex groaned and started to pull Clark's shirt out of his trousers. Clark stopped him. "At least try to be careful this time, Lex. I'm serious." Lex grinned as he carefully removed the muslin shirt and tossed it carelessly in the corner. Clark groaned at the press of warm leather against his bare chest, but he needed more. He needed Lex. He reached behind Lex to undo the intricate silver buttons and clasps holding the leather to his skin. 

Lex moaned as he felt Clark undoing each and every clasp with a care he had never known. He looked into the younger man's eyes and saw such love; he felt he could drown in those eyes. He placed his lips against Clark's in the softest kiss he could conjure. The kiss remained soft even as mouths opened and tongues explored, this kiss didn't have the quick heat of lust, it held the slow burn of love. 

When Clark finally got all the clasps undone, Lex quickly removed the leather fencing vest. He attacked Clark's mouth again, allowing him to run his hands over the poet shirt. Clark fisted his hands in the soft material and pulled, ripping the shirt none too gently from Lex's body. Lex laughed and sat up. "I thought we were being careful, Clark." 

"Oops?" Clark blushed as he looked at the remains of the shirt in his hands. 

Lex pushed him down again. "If you were that eager, then why didn't you just say so?" Lex pushed Clark's pants and stockings down in one shove and drank in the sight of his naked lover. "Since you're that desperate," Lex said huskily. He reached down to his straining erection and undid a few buttons on the front of his breeches. The front flapped down, unleashing Lex's hard cock. 

Clark stared. "What the?" he asked, impressed. 

"It's called a codpiece, Clark. They're quite useful, especially around eager young changelings such as yourself." He brushed his cock against Clark's, earning a moan from each. Clark looked up from Lex's head to his eyes. He reached down and stroked the tight leather encasing his lover's legs. He gripped Lex's leather-clad ass and hoisted him up onto his chest. 

Clark hissed as Lex settled onto his chest. "Yes, my Lord, 'tis quite useful," he said evilly as he ran a finger up Lex's hard length. Clark flicked his tongue over the head, barely able to reach the tip. Lex groaned and got up on his knees, inching himself up to Clark's mouth. Clark blew softly across the throbbing flesh and swallowed Lex whole. Lex leaned his head back as a keening cry issued from his throat. 

Clark took Lex into his mouth until his nose met soft leather. He moaned in contentment around the cock in this throat as he wriggled his tongue along the underside. He sucked and swallowed around Lex languidly, reveling in the sounds of pleasure coming from his lover, heck his Lord. 

He didn't want to stop not even when Lex pulled out of his mouth. Clark whimpered at the loss. Lex leaned down to kiss his taste from Clark's mouth. Lex broke off quickly, still panting from the pleasure of Clark's mouth. "If you keep doing that, I won't be able to claim you properly, young changeling," Lex said softly. 

Clark grinned and spread his legs. "Please, Lex. Take me." Lex growled and reached into a pouch on his discarded belt. He pulled a tube of lube. Clark grinned. "Always prepared, hmm?" 

Lex smiled naughtily. "Not yet prepared, but soon." He squeezed some onto his fingers and slipped one into Clark. Clark let his head loll back as he moaned his approval. Lex added a second and twisted them around, looking for that one spot...ah, there, got it. Clark bit his fist to keep from crying out too loudly. 

As soon as he recovered from that, Clark looked at Lex. "In me, Lex, I'm so fucking ready." Lex grinned as he slicked his cock and replaced his fingers with said cock. Both men groaned as Lex buried himself as deep as he could into Clark's willing ass. Lex gave an experimental thrust to make sure, then began to claim Clark as his own. Lex pounded firmly into Clark's ass, the smack of leather against flesh much more erotic than originally anticipated. Lex leaned down and claimed Clark's mouth in a fiery kiss. 

As Lex continued to thrust, Clark ghosted his hands over Lex's body, across his chest, over his back, over his legs. He grabbed Lex's ass to pull him in deeper. Lex ran his hands over Clark's chest, played with his nipples, scraped a nail over his throat, played in the hollow of his navel, finally grasping Clark's cock, stroking it softly. Clark groaned and urged Lex to go faster, as fast as he could manage. Lex gasped and quickened his pace. 

It seemed too soon when Clark came crashing unexpectedly through his orgasm. His shuddering walls dragged Lex down with him. Lex collapsed with an "oof" onto Clark's semen-sticky chest. They looked into each other's eyes. "Might I consider myself claimed, my Lord?" Clark asked through the post-orgasmic haze. 

"You're mine, Kent," Lex said possessively. He reached for the ruined poet shirt and cleaned them both up. Clark got dressed then wondered aloud what Lex was going to do. "I'm going to have to go without chemise, Clark. I've done it before," Lex answered as he slipped the leather garment onto his chest. He turned around so Clark could do the clasps. 

"Doesn't it chafe?" Clark asked. 

"A little bit, but so long as there's no more fencing today, I won't have much of a problem. Come on, we've been missing for long enough. It's time to make an appearance." 

As soon as both men were dressed and presentable, the poet shirt used and discarded, they crept from the space under the stage and left the area with the audience. 

"What is the o'clock?" Clark asked suddenly. 

Lex looked at his pocket-watch. "'Tis 130 of the clock, my Dianus. We have much time before church." 

"Church? We are going to church?" Clark was confused. 

"My sweet spirit, yes we go to church this day." Lex lowered his voice. "Church is another term for the 530 show at the Rogue's Reef stage. The Poxy Boggards and the Belles of Bedlam team up and sing their raunchiest songs." 

Clark grinned. "I think I might enjoy this 'church' very much." 

Lex nodded. "But first we must get thee thy horns. I knew not a spirit of the wood without ere I saw you. Follow me, my changeling." 

Clark nodded and followed, royally confused. 

He soon found himself at a booth that sold cattle horns. Most were drinking horns ranging in size from a single shot to 44oz monstrosities. In the corner, hanging from a wire were much smaller horns. These were the horns Lex spoke of, two-inch tips off of larger horns affixed to dark straps of leather. These horns were meant to be worn on the head, the straps tied under the chin like the strings on a hat. Lex started pulling horn strings from the wire to hold against Clark's head. When he found the right pair, black strap with light brown horns, he paid the cashier and tied the horns to Clark's head. He tied the strap behind the neck so as to hide it from view. He looked Clark in the eye and was amazed at the effect. He turned Clark to face the small mirror the booth had. 

Clark's eyes widened. "They look like they're real. Like they're really growing out of my head." 

"Now you really do look like a changeling," Lex said, amused. "Dianus, let us wander for a time." 

Clark grinned. "So you can show me off?" 

"Nay, so you can show you off. That's a good look for you, Clark. It counterpoints your innocence nicely, makes any viewer have to stop and think, to figure out if you be angel or devil." 

"What do you think I am, Lex? Angel or devil?" 

Lex paused. "Even I'm not sure, Clark. But then, if I were things might get boring." 

"Don't tell me you're only with me for my devilry?" Clark's words were light but his face showed more. 

"Don't worry, Clark. You could never bore me. I love you, deeply. I've never been able to tell anyone that before and I don't think I could tell anyone else. I don't love lightly." 

"I know, Lex. I was just being insecure for a moment. I love you too and I know that will never change." 

Both men looked each other in the eye and saw love and understanding. They brushed hands and walked off toward the Trader's Market to waste some time. 

"Sinners! 'Tis not too late! Thou can still repent! Repent and yea will be saved!" came the cry from a soapbox on the corner. It was a man dressed from head to toe in black velvet, carrying a bible, preaching to a mass of scantily clad barbarians. At least, they were dressed as barbarians, skins over their middles, buckskin boots, daggers on their waists, and absolutely nothing else. A group of women stood just behind them, clad in black leather corsets and black silk skirts. They were each decked out in various medallions of witchcraft and one was fingering a wand. The puritan on the soapbox looked up from the generous cleavage of one of the witches and straight into Clark's eyes. "Repent, quickly, all of yea! The devil himself comes to claim yea! Save thy souls!" 

Lex looked at the puritan and grinned evilly, wrapped an arm around Clark's shoulders, and planted a kiss on his cheek. The puritan's eyes grew wide. "The Lord Luthor is consort to the devil himself! Did we not warn yea that the Luthor line is a family of witches? Did we not warn yea that the Luthor line is a line of sin and corruption and blasphemy?" 

"Jealousy doth not become thee," Lex shouted to the puritan, who promptly swelled up like a mad hen. "Besides, I am consort to a spirit of the wood, not a demon. Thou art little of a man of faith if thou cannot discern between spirits and demons. Come, Dianus, let us leave this false prophet for more worldly pleasures." Clark and Lex left the good-natured rage of the puritan behind. 

"Well, Clark, that was a puritan," Lex said. 

"Don't they get hot in those costumes?" Clark asked. "They must really like what they do if they've agreed to wear those things all of Faire." 

"Well, if you ask if they get hot the answer you'll get is, and I quote, 'Not as hot as you'll be in the depths of Hell.' I asked last year when the curiosity got the better of me." Lex paused. "Oh, Clark, we're coming up to the Trader's Market. I warn you, this is mainly populated with magic shops of different types." 

"Magician magic?" 

"Don't even mention that here, the people will take offense. No, this is real magic involving herbs and crystals and energy and astrology. Here you'll find incense, cauldrons, wands, crystals, herbs, tarot, spirit stones, athames, anything you might ever need for a real magic spell you'll find here." 

"Should I be worried that you know so much or that you're excited to be here?" Clark sounded amused and wary. "I mean, you're not planning to turn me into a toad or anything are you?" 

"I could. No, Clark, if you're ever turned into a toad it won't be my doing. My grandfather expected my father and me to learn how to control our destinies, no matter how we did it. He brought us both into magic, but I'm the only one who really stayed. Lionel doesn't like the idea of having to ask for help, even for something like this." Lex paused and looked around. "Ah, Ananda's. We'll stop there first." 

"Why there?" 

"They're the only ones around from whom I can get decent Dragon's Blood," Lex said without missing a stride. 

Clark paused. "Dragon's Blood? Nah, couldn't be." As he stood there, Lex made it to the booth and was already in transaction. Clark caught up just as he was asking for 4 bottles of Dragon's Blood. Clark watched in awe as he saw 4 bottles of a blood-red substance handed to Lex. He also bought 2 bottles each of frankincense and myrrh, one each of benzoin, nag champa, lavender, and Gloria, and two rolls of charcoal. After everything was paid for, Clark took Lex aside. "Don't tell me that's the blood of a real dragon, Lex." 

"What? No, this is the resin from a rainforest plant known as Dragon's Blood Reed. I don't use the blood from a dragon unless it's something really important, it's too rare to use too often." 

Clark glanced at Lex, wondering if he were joking or not. Lex looked around again and headed toward a booth selling incense. Clark followed just in time to hear Lex asking about Bat's Blood. The vendor handed Lex a large package of incense sticks, which were smelled, then paid for. As Lex passed Clark he said, "Now these are made with the blood of real bats." Clark shivered. 

"Lex, I'm not sure if I've ever seen this side of you before," Clark said cautiously. 

"My pagan side? No, I guess you haven't. You ought to join me for a full moon rite, Clark. I promise you won't regret it. Come on, I hear the call of crystals." Clark sighed as Lex took off again. 

By the time Lex had slowed down, he carried along with his previous purchases a dozen quartz crystal points, a collection of small bottles, an assortment of semi precious stones, countless bottles of essential oils, a silver pendant of the Celtic style, and a new deck of tarot cards "because my deck is so old it's missing cards." 

Lex turned to face Clark. "That reminds me, are you sure there isn't anything you want to get while we're on this end?" 

Clark chose his words carefully. "I don't think I'm ready to take up witchcraft yet, Lex." 

Lex shrugged. "Maybe after the full moon rite, after all you need an introduction first." 

Clark shrugged a maybe. "Are you sure you can carry all that stuff, Lex? I mean, you did buy a lot." 

Lex stopped pretending he wasn't juggling and handed the bags with the bottles and incense to Clark with a look of great thanks. Clark smiled as he took them. They walked toward the noble's guild in comfortable silence. 

On the way there, Clark caught a whiff of the turkey leg stand. He stopped suddenly and inhaled deeply. "Lex, we never did get lunch," he said. 

Lex sighed. "That's true, we didn't. Clark, we are going back to the guild so we can drop these off and then I promise we'll be back for food. Clark, come on before Fortune Hunter challenges me to another duel." 

Clark sighed wistfully as his stomach growled and he followed Lex back to the guild. They set the purchases down in a tent after a short conversation with the locals and hightailed it to the back lane. 

This time, instead of trying to head for the quail, Clark suggested the turkey legs. Lex looked at him. "Hey, Fortune has good taste," Clark said. 

Lex grinned, as he looked Clark up and down. "That's true, Clark, you can't argue with her taste. Sure, let's." They made their way to the turkey legs. 

Very little is sexy about eating turkey legs, Clark realized as he watched Lex. Although, it does look about as period as one can get in the twenty first century, there are few other reasons why these exist at Faire. Clark bit into his own. Ok, he thought, they do taste good. But there's still nothing sexy about them. 

Lex interrupted Clark's thoughts. "Clark, it's almost 430. We need to get to the stage if we want a seat for the 530 show." 

Clark swallowed his mouthful. "It's that popular?" 

"Most of the Faire-workers get off at 5, so they all head over to 'church.' There's a 430 show of the Poxy Boggards; it'll give you a preview. You'll need it." 

As they walked, they heard the first chords of a song. The lyrics floated over the sounds of the crowd to Clark's ear: 

Those of good nature with light in their hearts Find goodness in each of life's various parts They see each blessing as a bountiful bowl A half glass of water they see as half full But I say these folks need a stick in the eye Beat them in the head 'till they break down and cry Tell me not to be cheery, to you I say this Me life is a glass that is half full of piss 

Clark turned to Lex. "What are they singing?" 

Lex listened. "It's 'Me Life is a Glass.' Those, Clark, are the Poxy Boggards. Don't worry, although the lyrics get much worse they do have actual talent." 

They reached the stage. The audience was close, but not yet packed. Lex led Clark down into the third row where they sat and watched and listened. 

After hearing "Bang Away Lulu" and "The Rooster, the Donkey, the Dog and the Cat," Clark was finally getting into the swing of things at the Rogue's Reef. He even sang along with the chorus for "Aboard the God Ship Venus." 

As the singers ended their program, Lex turned to Clark. "So, how did you like it, Clark?" 

Clark was still grinning. "Twisted, but cool." 

Lex grinned. "Of course it's twisted, Clark. That's the point." 

They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes until a thought struck Clark. "Hey, Lex?" 

"Yes, Clark?" 

"Did Lionel really bring my father here as a conquest?" 

Lex turned to Clark. "Yes, Clark, he did. For about 6 years, every year, Robin Longfellow would make an appearance here at Faire. Each of those years Fortune Hunter fought for your father. Occasionally Lionel would loose to her to see what your father would do. Robin always returned to his Lord. About 25 years ago something happened between the two of them and every year became every other year, then every third year. The last time Robin came to Faire was 12 years ago, just before he adopted you. My first Faire was your father's last. I don't know what happened between them. According to some of the guild the two of them were great friends. According to the rest, they were much more than just friends. I watched them together. There was an ease about Lionel that I had never seen before and never seen since. Same with your father. I truly wish I knew what had happened between them." 

"Maybe they forgot how to let go," Clark said softly. 

Lex raised an eyebrow. "You're taking this well," he said. 

"It helps to imagine them as Lionel and Robin as opposed to your father and mine," Clark said. "I'm sure later my mind will kick in and I'll find the idea of our dads having sex rather gross, but that's just because they're, well, our dads. Does that make sense?" 

"Actually, yes it does. Every person finds the idea of a parent having sex disturbing. So do I. The key is to think what's best for them." 

"You're thinking we should get them back to Faire together?" 

"Is your dad busy tomorrow?" 

Clark grinned. "Nope. He still has his old costume, too. It's in the back of the closet, still in fine condition. I think I can drag him here tomorrow, so long as I keep from mentioning anything about Lionel, Fortune, or the guild." 

Lex grinned conspiratorially. "I can get Lionel here tomorrow with the promise of a day away from his physical therapists. We'd need to keep them away from each other until they're here and inside. I know, Lionel and I will get here early and use the guild entrance. You can drag Jonathon to the guild under the pretense of saying hello to people you met today, then and only then would we reveal them to each other." 

Clark's grin grew evil, complementing his horns perfectly. "If need be we could bring Fortune in on this, have her act too noble to steal from a blind man. It's a perfect plan." 

"Nay, Dianus, not perfect. Near, but not." 

"I concur, my Lord." They grinned at each other before bursting out laughing. 

By this time, the Belles of Bedlam had appeared on stage and began introducing themselves. The Poxy Boggards joined them. The show began. 

One of the women ran out into the audience and dragged up with her a male tourist. The poor man was dressed in street clothes, carried a camera, and had no idea what was going to happen next. 

"I met a man," she began, telling her friends and the audience about how they had sex behind one of the tents and how afterwards he got up as if to leave. "No!" the others gasped. The woman continued. "Well, I said-" 

This is number one  
And we've only just begun 

The group broke out into song. 

So roll me over, lay me down, and do it again Do it again  
Roll me over  
In the clover  
Roll me over, lay me down and do it again Do it again 

Each of the 10 Belles had their chance to sing a verse while clinging to this poor man. He didn't seem to mind. Especially when one of the Belles dove for his crotch while on verse five. Clark and Lex were laughing too much to care how that guy felt. Clark picked up the chorus quickly and by verse seven was belting it out with the singers and a good half of the audience. 

As the song ended, Lex leaned over. "I'm sure there's a clover patch at the castle, Clark," Lex whispered into Clark's ear. Clark blushed, anticipation filling his eyes. Lex grinned. 

They almost missed the Poxy Boggards making lewd comments about a little ditty that they were going to sing. "I just love little ditties," one of them said as he made grabbing motions with his hands about breast width apart. "What do you do with the rest of her?" another asked. Soon they just got on with it. 

Mark well the warning that we give good gentles one and all The smell this morning from the priv compares not to our gall Fair ladies will be shocked, young ears they should be blocked We run amok and press our luck when we say fuck 

From this, they introduced a song about death and jumped right into "Isn't It Grand, Boys?" 

Look at the coffin with golden handles  
Isn't it grand boys to be bloody well dead 

(chorus)  
Let's not have a sniffle  
Let's have a bloody good cry  
And always remember the longer you've lived The sooner you'll bloody well die 

Look at the flowers already withered  
Isn't it grand boys to be bloody well dead 

(chorus) 

Look at the mourners eyeing the silverware Isn't it grand boys to be bloody well dead 

Lex began signing loudly as soon as he heard the second word. Clark watched in morbid fascination until the third verse when he realized the song wasn't really about death. It was a poorly disguised parody of it. He didn't sing to it, but he respected it enough to find the humor where it was placed. 

As the song finished, Clark leaned over to whisper in Lex's ear. "You're twisted, did you know that?" 

"Now where would you get that idea?" Lex asked while trying to play innocent. It didn't work. 

Clark grinned and rubbed Lex's head lightly. "I'll protect you, always." 

Lex smiled softly and wrapped an arm around Clark's shoulders, holding him close for a moment before the group started singing "Bang Away Lulu," enticing both Clark and Lex to join in. 

Some girls work in the market place  
Some girls work in stores  
But Lulu works in a dockside house  
With forty other whores  
Well Lulu had a baby  
It was her pride and joy  
She would have named it Lulu  
But the bastard was a boy 

(chorus)  
Oh, bang away Lulu  
Bang it good and strong  
What in the world will the Navy do  
When good ol' Lulu's gone  
(repeat chorus) 

The song in its seven-verse entirety soon had both Clark and Lex leaning into each other for support they were laughing so hard. It only got worse when the group lead into the next song, "Aboard the Good Ship Venus." 

(chorus)  
Aboard the good ship Venus  
You really should have seen us  
With a figure head  
Of a whore in bed  
And the mast of a phallic penis 

After this one, the audience was asked to make contributions, buy CDs, and then leave as it was 600 and time for Faire to end. Clark and Lex got up slowly, still weak from laughter, dropped some bills into a Boggard's hat, then headed back toward the guild to pick up Lex's purchases. 

The Lady Grey met with them as they grew ready to depart. "Ah, Lord Luthor, fair Dianus, I pray I shall see thee both soon?" 

Lex smiled. "Aye, Lady, thou shalt see us on the morrow if all goes as planned. As well as my father and the long absent Robin Longfellow." 

Lady Grey's eyes lit up. "Thou speakest aright?" Lex and Clark nodded. "Ah, and what devilry shalt thou both rise to do this deed?" 

"Only the most cunning of devilry, my Lady," Clark said mischievously. "I pray, warn the others not to reveal our plans. If our victims learn of our witchery, we shalt loose much more than our pride." 

"I promise thee, thy secrets are safe with me," said the Lady Grey. "Thou must fly if thou plans to exit on thy own. Security around here escorts stragglers out of the grounds." 

"Aye, we must go. We shalt meet again," said Lex as they walked off toward the exit and the real world. 

End 


End file.
